21 October 2023
I only felt good in the afternoon
I. I only felt good in the afternoon
In many ways today my feeling shifts,
and it’s a shame that I had felt good
this morning and afternoon, or rather
that I felt I owned my self,
and I wasn’t borrowing
my clarity from another place.
But now I don’t have it
as I had put my care into a place
and then knocked it over,
unthinking,
I wasn’t even looking
at the place that I am turning
into love.
I cannot rest and I already tried
to lie down on my bed
and sit on my chair
Attempting to forgive myself
and now I am thinking
of how to punish myself but
I don’t do that
anymore,
so maybe after I finish writing
I will put my memory away
like I’m used to doing,
be busy on the edge of
slow-boiling grief
until the place that I am turning into love
arrives forgiving me or
blind to my grief, surprised by it.
II. This evening has to rest
I realize what brings me a great comfort
is to throw my head back and laugh
(in secret relief)
(hopefully someday be doing it with you)
whether at something funny that we said
or something tragic
like how I know
I cannot tell you I am sorry
in either case whether,
you forgive me
or are blind to my grief.